The Answer is No

No matter what you ask of me right now, the answer will be, “no”.  I don’t care how you ask.  Syrupy sweet or angry and demanding.  Doesn’t matter.  “No.”  Compound question or multiple choice.  Still “no.”  All yes or no questions will be answered in the negative, even if it’s the wrong answer.

“How are you feeling?”  No.  “What time is it?”  No.  “What did you have for dinner?” No.  “Is the Earth round?” No

Sometimes the only strength that I possess is in my words.  Sometimes I don’t have the energy or strength to string my words together.  Sometimes all I’ve got is “no”.

So, no.

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Delayed Response

Today is the first day back to work after a long holiday away from the office.  It’s quite cloudy and raining; not an ideal day to return to the office.  I’m also feeling a little lupie today, so I’m not really firing on all cylinders.  Yet another reason that it’s not a good day to go back to work.  (For those that are new to my blog, “lupie” is a word I use to describe how I feel when I’m not experiencing a lupus flare, but my body is not quite right and I know that lupus is the culprit.)

I went to the post office after a quick court appearance this afternoon.  I needed to mail my friend, Shannon, this cool t-shirt.  When I left the post office, instead of circling the block, I decided to go back the way I came, which meant that I would be making a left onto a busy street.  I was prepared to have to sit at the stop sign for awhile, but didn’t mind because, well, I was in no real rush to return to the office.  When I got to the stop sign, there was already a white SUV across the intersection from me.  The older lady that was driving was waiting to go straight across the intersection.  Traffic flowed in both directions for awhile.  There were a couple moments when, had she gunned it, she could’ve made it through the intersection, but it was raining and the roads were slick, so I can’t blame her for playing it safe.  And since I was not in a rush, it didn’t really matter to me.

Just as the woman was about to go through the intersection, I felt my car move.  Because my body is acting a little off today, I first checked to see if my foot was on the brake.  When I realized that it was, I thought, “Damn.  There must be something wrong with my car.”  As my brain slowly went through all the options, I looked in my rear view mirror and said, “Oh shit.  Did you just hit my car?!”.  I put the car in park and got out.

As it happens in small towns, I recognized the woman whose car was pressed against my bumper, but I’m not sure that she recognized me.  She rolled down her window and said, with big eyes and a straight face, “I haven’t done anything but sit here and wait for you to move”. I reminded her that the car across from me had the right of way because she was going straight.  Her response? “Yeah, but I was just sitting here.  Is there something wrong with your car?”  I asked her to back up so that I could actually see my bumper.  There was no damage, so I told her I was fine and got back in my car.  Traffic had cleared, so I turned left and headed back to the office.

I was almost back to the office when my brain finally kicked into gear and I asked myself out loud, “Wait.  What the fuck did she just say to me?!”  As I replayed the incident, I realized that she was either saying, “I was totally innocent.  All I was doing was sitting here waiting when my car suddenly and magically ran into the back of yours”, or “Your ass was taking too long, so I decided that I would just try to push your car through the intersection.”  Either way, it was an insult to my intelligence.  I’m sure it was my foggy lupie brain that created a delayed response and protected the woman from witnessing a bit of my wrath…well, that and the fact that there was no damage to my car.

The Stealth Wolf

For me, one of the worst parts about having lupus is its unpredictability.  I woke up feeling pretty good and decided to attack a few things on my eternal to-do list.  After I folded laundry, I made lunch.  I was having a perfectly lovely and lazy day on the couch.  I spent two hours catching up on “Scandal” and spent an hour more watching old episodes of “Designing Women”.  When I got up to get some water, my body was completely different.  There was a heavy and sharp pain in my arm and leg and the rest of my body felt completely worn out.  The exhaustion was as thick as tar.  I trudged my way to the kitchen and then couldn’t remember why I went in there.  I decided it was time for a nap.  Somehow, I made my way up the steps, though it felt like I was pulling one of those anvils from the Roadrunner cartoons behind me.  When I woke up, I felt worse than when I went to sleep.  A headache now accompanied all the other pain I was experiencing.

When I woke up this morning, I was energetic and optimistic about what I would accomplish today.  As, I struggle to get to sleep tonight,  I’m fighting the pain and depression and just hoping that I’ll feel better tomorrow.